In five short years, my eldest daughter will be thirteen. That thought horrifies me and keeps me awake at night. Then, two years after that, my middle child will turn the dreaded age, and two years after that, my youngest baby will join the ranks. That means in nine years, I will have lost my little innocent girls to boys, hormones, and pop music. I will no longer be the cool mom who understands them, the sole source of comfort and advice, the all knowledgeable person they look up to. They will go from being obsessed with My Little Pony and Monster High to bras and make-up. They'll be at the mercy of the Miley Cyruses and Justin Biebers of the world.
*Panic attack ensues*
Eleven years ago, I officially stopped being a teenager. So before I completely forget what it was like to feel awkward and hormonal, I have a few bits of knowledge I'd like to share.
#1 Boys
With all honesty, boys don't become really interesting until you hit your twenties. I don't say this because I don't want you to date in your teens. I say this because between your hormones and the pressure that boys put on you, you're going to want to have sex. Its totally natural. I'm not asking you to wait until you're married. (That would be ideal. But let's face it, it's not going to happen. It wasn't that way when I was younger, and it won't be that way when you are older. So feel free to remind me of that when we have this conversation in a few years.) What I am asking, is that you wait until after high school at the least. Because if its true love, it can wait four measly years. But more to the point, I promise you that even though he's super cute and sweet, you guys make the perfect couple, you have all the same interests, your friends like him, and you believe with everything in your heart that you will be together forever....he isn't nearly as exciting as the guys will be when you are older. I can say this with utmost certainty because of one very important fact. That whole "Girls mature faster than boys" thing is absolutely true. Teenage boys are incredibly boring compared to their older selves. The older they get, the more interesting they become. Of course, some of them will never grow up. But those that do are WAY more fun.
Plus, (and I will deny saying this when you are older, even if its in print) sex with boys is lame. Sex with a man, however....well that can be amazing. So wait a few years. Its not the eternity that you think it is.
And if you don't believe that I know what I'm talking about, remember that I write romance stories and I have three kids. I know what sex is. But more importantly, I know what GOOD sex is, and there's no such thing as GOOD sex in high school, there's only mediocre sex.
#2 High School
As much as you tell me that its different for you than when I was younger, its not. The music is a little different and the clothes have changed. But the basic concepts and struggles are the same. The majority of your high school career will be filled with fear, anxiety, apprehension, and the need to "fit in." High school is like this tiny society that functions within the real world. It has it's own set of rules and unfortunately, it doesn't come with a manual. There are going to be a ton of problems that you will face. Its just a part of growing up. But there are two things that I want to remind you of, two things that you need to remember when facing ANY tough problem.
A. High School lasts four years. Its four tiny years of your life, and almost immediately after you get out, you forget about it. No matter what you do, no matter how embarrassing the situation is, it will be forgotten almost as soon as that diploma is in your hands. From that moment on, you don't ever have to look at those people again if you don't want to. So if you fart in the middle of doing sit-ups in gym class, you blow chunks during algebra, or someone gets a video of you doing something incredibly stupid and posts it on YouTube, don't despair....you'll only be known as "that girl" for no more than four years. Your future co-workers won't know anything about it.
B. No matter how tragic, how life or death, how eternally soul-crushing your problem is, there will be a moment in your adult years where you would rather switch places with your younger self so you won't have to deal with what you're going through. You think your boyfriend breaking up with in the middle of the cafeteria, in front of everyone, is hard? I promise you that having the lives of three tiny kids depending on you and NOT having any control over your circumstances is FAR more panic inducing. Try being stranded in a car in subzero weather, terrified that your kids may freeze to death. And I know you don't get it now, just like you think I don't understand your problem. But someday you will. All I ask is that you allow me the moment to say "I told you so."
#3 Your Parents
Here's a little tip that you need to know. Look at me right now. Do you see the wrinkles and gray hair? This is how I appear to you. But on the inside, I'm still only twenty-two. I'm a dork. I will embarrass the crap out of you. Don't bother trying to make me "cool." I never will be. Don't offer to give me a make-over. I don't want it. Don't give me advice on how all the other moms dress and act. I'm not them. I have never been society's version of "cool" and I never will be. Sorry. You're stuck with me. I will probably embarrass you in front of your friends. I will tell stupid jokes that I believe are funny, but you will find ridiculous. And its possible that there may come a time or two in your life, when you wish you had different parents.
Your Dad is going to be a challenge, too. The first time you even mention boys, he's going to hit the roof. Expect that the first time you bring home a date, he's going to be sitting on the couch, cleaning his rifle, telling your boyfriend what a great marksman he is. There will be moments where you wish you could just crawl into a hole and die. He will purposely try to embarrass you enough that your date will never want to go out with you again. (See #1 for dealing with boy problems.)
He will be overprotective, and I will make you feel like the social outcast of the school. But you know what? We love you and we want what's best for you. No matter what happens, there is nothing you can do that will make us stop loving you.
#4 Friends
There are two kinds of friends in high school; the ones who genuinely care about you, and the ones who throw your ass under the bus to save their own skins. Learn to spot the difference quickly. But sometimes, its hard to tell. I'm not saying to never trust your friends. But remember that anything you say to a bestie in private, can be plastered all over Facebook if you two have a falling out. So before saying anything you wouldn't want seen on the internet, stop and think.
But the most important thing I can tell you about friends, is to be a good one. High school is hard enough. Don't be that kid that makes someone else's life miserable. Don't be the one who posts embarrassing videos or gossips about the geek. Its not awesome or funny, and it doesn't earn you respect. Be trustworthy and nice. I guarantee that those qualities go a long way in the adult world. The theory that "nice guys finish last," is completely ridiculous.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." ~Maya Angelou
I wish you the best of luck in your teenage years. If they're anything like mine, they will be traumatic. But the good news is, I survived and look at how normal I turned out! That doesn't really help, does it? Well, with a little luck, you'll come out of it a little less scathed and hopefully not pregnant.
Oh God, please don't get pregnant.
*Breathes into a paper bag*
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